Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
