I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
