While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
