Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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