So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
