I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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