I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
