It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
