I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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