Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
