did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
