She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I am mentally ready for anal.
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