you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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