I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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