def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
