So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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