The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
