The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
