im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize