Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
