Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize