i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
