twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
