so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
