I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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