There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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