Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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