Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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