we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
