i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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