my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
