you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
