im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
