Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
