I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
