So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
