my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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