whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
