what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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