I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
