I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
