forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
