Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
