Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
