Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
