I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
