so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
