I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
its liver damage thursday
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
