bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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