I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
