so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize