Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
