I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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