just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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