I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
