Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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