when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
