rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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